6. In the moments you feel you can't go on, do something physical
Nov 23, 2021
I was going through life and all was well. Instantly, it all changed and I was on my knees, feeling lost with no idea how life could go on without, Murray.
The Park Run is a free worldwide movement to bring people together where they can run, jog, or walk the 5km circuit. They aim to get people moving to help with fitness and mental health. I wonder how many people are running with a broken heart.
13th Nov 2021
Me - You are going to have to wear different clothes, Sylvia-Rose. All the pictures look the same.
SR - I looked different this morning when the sun came up.
Me - You would have been underwater. It was a beautiful sunrise. I wanted to make it but the tide was in.
SR - The top of me poked out while the waves lapped around and the sun gave me its golden kiss. Sorry, you missed it.
Me - I climbed back in bed. I kept promising myself I would get up soon and do some exercise. I didn’t. The time passed. The Park run starts outside my house. I told myself I could at least make that! I would have to get up though.
SR - You got up eventually.
Me - I did. Every step was an effort. Some days life feels so heavy, especially when I am on my own. I am responsible for my energy level, with no one to connect with. I know to keep going. Each step got me closer to the park run. What was weird, though, was I felt scared of being with strangers. I feel disjointed. Life isn’t connected. The dots aren’t joined. I don’t even know where the dots are.
SR - This sounds like the symptoms of loneliness. Are you OK?
Me - I don't know. I could never have imagined feeling like this before Murray died. It is different from any other loss. My dad died in 1994, my mum in 2012, followed by Murray in 2019. They are all different but this has destroyed the life I once knew, obliterated it. It is impossible to know this kind of loss. I know it now. I also know you can’t stay in this state. It isn’t where living happens. That is why I forced myself to do the park run.
SR - Well done.
Me - That is what everyone said on the run. If only they knew. There was a guy taking part in a wheelchair. I would imagine he had to make a big effort to get there. I think everyone did well. It is so much easier NOT to make an effort. What is the point of that though?
SR - Precisely. Do what is hard and what is hard becomes easy. Keep going, my friend. Keep going.
Me - It felt like a monumental fight with my spirit to make it happen. Which comes first, your body moving or your spirit? They seem to work together either in achievement or avoidance!
SR - That is a really good question. Like the chicken and egg thing. Mmmm.... what did you need to do first?
Me - I needed to take the physical action of getting out of bed, then the physical action of getting my running clothes on. It felt like I was aware of every move. I wrote a list of all the small things I achieved and said ‘well done’ to myself. I think I was trying to cheer up my spirit. A pat on the back. A high five!
SR - I think you answered your question. You must take physical action first. Even if you don’t want to and you didn’t want to. How do you feel now?
Me - I am not jumping around with joy but I do feel lighter, happier. Time for me to get on with the rest of the day.
SR - What are you going to do with the gift of this day?
Me - I am going to appreciate it and smile Thanks for the chat. Action is the number one thing to do. I will remember that. See you tomorrow. Xx
SR - Have a great day. You are already winning!! Here is a Rock high-five!!
