11th Aug, 2022
SR - Good morning. Isn’t this great?
Jan - Morning. It is gorgeous. Sunshine and no wind, a rare combination in this area 😊
SR - It has been a while. How are things?
Jan - I think you know by now that when I come to see you, I am facing challenges.
SR - I do and that is ok. Is it still the three-year anniversary problem?
Jan - Yes. I haven’t felt the same. I felt I was making progress before.
SR - Progress! What is that? Why do you expect progress with grief?
Jan - I am told it is a journey, don’t you, by definition, make progress on a journey?
SR - Isn’t grief part of living? Isn’t living about being? You are born, you be, you die. Isn’t that how it goes?
Jan - In a nutshell, I would say you have nailed it.
SR - So where is the journey?
Jan - There you go, challenging me again.
SR - Only trying to help.
Jan - On the walk here, I reflected on my inner life, my inner spirit. I realised how I would never be aligned. There is my inner life and my outer life, which helps me escape the inner. People really wouldn’t want to see my inner. This means no one will ever know the real me.
SR - Is it for other people to know the ‘real’ you? Why would this mean you are aligned? So long as you are you and YOU know you, it doesn’t matter about other people. It is only the Intimate people in your life who get even closer to both your inner and outer you. Are you following me?
Jan - I think so. Are you saying they are both one? But I choose which bit to be in at any one time.
SR - That is exactly it. The human spirit is enormous and infinite. How is it possible to show up with ALL of that? If that is what you mean by alignment, you and the people around you would be exhausted.
Jan - Wow. You have enlightened me again. You are right. I am separating myself by labeling an inner and outer self. Take away the labels and you have alignment. You have ‘being’.
SR - You do and you choose what part of your being shows up, what part of your being needs nurturing, and what part of your being needs to be left alone to ‘be’. Your isness.
Jan - I love that word. You mean the deep, eternal, spiritual me that is part of the great oneness.
SR - That is exactly what I mean. If you sit, without judgment, without the natter in your head, without even forcing yourself to listen to the waves or feel the heat, just be at one with it all. That is the real you. The you that will still exist when your body no longer does. The part of Murray that still exists and has done in all eternity. He existed before you and he will exist after.
Jan - They say that people still exist so long as stories are still shared and people are remembered.
SR - I would interpret that as the ego, the physical form of the person still exists that way. To say someone’s spirit, their ‘oneness’, doesn’t exist is like denying there is a universe.
Jan - You are blowing my mind again. I wasn’t expecting this.
SR - Are you feeling better?
Jan - I am being. Thank you for this conversation. I get all caught up in my thoughts and my thoughts and memories create the pain.
SR - Why wouldn’t it be that the pain is part of the way things are? Why keep trying to deny it, hide it, heal it, why not sit with it and allow it?
Jan - The mother in me is still screaming.
SR - Perhaps she always will.
Jan - She is getting quieter. Life is building around her.
SR - That is good about life but don’t forget to check in with her. Remember, it isn’t about time or a journey, it is about being. If the mother part of your being is hurting, sit with her, and nurture her. Maybe that is where you will find Murray. I am sure he will be nurturing her. Avoid the voice in your head. Just know that is the part of you where you are going and allow the nurturing, the pain, and the comfort. Keep doing this and the pain will lose its sting.
Jan - I miss him. In every second. This is why I feel I have two lives going on at the same time.
SR - If you think of ‘oneness’ then it isn’t possible to have two lives. Perhaps two lives based on what others know but we are not concerning ourselves with others. Are we?
Jan - No. We are being. We are at one. No separation. Thank you. I needed this. Now I am feeling more whole, more in alignment.
I never know where our conversations are going to go. You surprise me every time.
I better go and enjoy the rest of the day.
SR - Wishing you a beautiful day of ‘being’.
Jan - You too, my rock of a companion!
SR - That is me. See you soon. And relax. All is well. 💛