SR - Hey, this is late for you.
Jan - I know. I needed to come and have an evening chat.
SR - Well it is lovely to see you. How is your leg and your hip?
Jan - You mean my whole body! It is feeling less strained. I think it was Friday when I came to see you. I was in a lot of pain. I am always so conscious of my body holding the trauma, so Saturday morning I decided I needed to REALLY rest. I booked a spa and sat by a pool with my book all day.
SR - Good for you. Sometimes you just have to stop.
Jan - You do. You have to know when your mind and body have had all they can take. I was reading a book called ‘The Body Keeps Score’. I have had it for a while and it felt the right time to face it. The author explained how when we are children and we suffer a trauma, such as falling off our bike, our parents pick us up and make us feel safe. The body releases the stress hormones and reverts back to balance. As an adult, unless you are living in an environment where you are with someone you believe loves you and can make you feel safe, then your body never reverts back to balance.
SR - So it is important to feel safe?
Jan - Yes. They describe if you don’t have that intimate comfort as, the fire may have gone out but the smoke alarm stays on!
SR - Great description.
Jan - It is. With that, I could see what was happening. It was time for me to turn off the smoke alarm.
SR - How do you do that?
Jan - To be honest, it is things I know already and I was doing some of them, yoga and meditation and they worked a little but I guess the smoke alarm kept coming back on.
SR - So what will you do differently?
Jan - The book suggests laughing more.
SR - How do you do that if you are hurting?
Jan - You make yourself! I forced myself to watch funny movies. Watch funny sketches online. It isn’t easy but it does change your chemistry for a while. I guess you also have to live with more self-awareness. If we don’t do this, then we spread our pain over the ones we love. Hurt people hurt people. No one wants to do that. Maybe sometimes we do it to say, ‘I need some love. Please help.’ That isn’t the way to get it though. That is far too confusing for others to interpret. Best just to say what you need.
SR - What do you need right now?
Jan - Patience. That is it. Just for others to know I am doing my best. Life has its ups and downs, joys and pains. Simple. That is the case for everyone. But I am on it. While relaxing and taking care of myself, I felt the sense that it was time to put Murray to rest. To stop writing to him and to release his ashes from my bedroom.
SR - That is big. How do you feel about that?
Jan - A little scared. I don’t want to let him go. His ashes are the only tangible connection to his body I have. I am not sure what difference that will have for me. Maybe it will make a difference to him. I was thinking, if it is ok with you, for me to place some of his ashes here, with you.
SR - I am honoured but you do know they will get washed out to sea?
Jan - I know. I will bury them deep so that will take a little while.
SR - I think that is a great idea but only when you are ready.
Jan - Thanks. Let’s roll with it and see when that day appears. I have also decided to just let things go. I realise there is so little we have control over. I think life will be more fun by letting go and seeing what happens.
SR - It is definitely worth a try. It seems like holding on and trying to control things is possibly what keeps the smoke alarm on.
Jan - Yes. I believe that is exactly what it does. Here’s to letting go and letting be. I better go. It is getting late. The tide is coming in and I still need to eat. It has been a no-sugar day today!
SR - Well done.
Jan - Thanks. Don’t get too excited. They don’t happen often
See you soon. Xx
SR - See you next time. Take it easy. You are safe.
Jan - I believe I am. Good night. Xx