36. Another birthday without my son

Jan - Listen to you, always protecting me! Thank you. I wanted to start my day with you. You have been such an important part of this year. Fifty-eight years, Sylvia-Rose. I am very lucky. When I was 55, I didn’t think I would get here. I wanted to throw my life away in disbelief that I would survive. Here I am.

 

SR - And smiling too.

Jan - I know. Who knew that could happen? I have a different take on age since losing Murray. I don’t worry about getting older. It is a gift, a blessing. I used to worry about wrinkles, aches and pains, the menopause. These are all gifts of age. We are blessed to experience them. They could be nicer gifts but gifts all the same

 

SR - How are you feeling about your day?

Jan - Other than being nervous about this tide wetting my feet, I am feeling OK. I have had lovely messages from Iona and Lewis and my sister and friends. It is Lewis’s birthday today too, he was a beautiful birthday gift in 1995, when I was 31. I know he is also missing his wee brother. We will bring Murray into our day. I have already had messages in the sand from him There is sadness but he doesn’t allow me that space. So when the memories of him and the thoughts of the jokes he would make, at my expense obviously , come, I sense him beside me and just place my hand on my heart and take a breath. All is as it is and all is well.

 

SR - Great. You are so different from this time last week.

Jan - I know. I feel I can hold on to this joy for longer this time. With each fall comes more strength to grow, see life more clearly, and embrace deeper happiness.

 

SR - Lovely. So what are you going to do with your special day?

Jan - Well, the day is mine, so Murray and I are going to the beautiful white sandy beach at Ardwell Bay. We are taking my new camping stove that a friend bought for my birthday. Actually, the friend I fell out with.

 

SR - Really? Did you make up?

Jan - We did. Once I was able to pull back the curtains of darkness and start to live in this place again, we had a lovely honest conversation. What is the point of leaving anger in the air just to create another scar to be healed later? We all have enough of those.

 

SR - That is great to hear. Honest conversations are never easy but coming from a place of love they are very powerful and healing. Now is the time to keep peace in your heart and grow from there.

Jan - Absolutely. That is exactly how I am feeling. I also feel ready to take on the courage and bravery I talk about. The body-scanning meditation is preparing me for that. I believe I will get through this next full moon cycle with love and renewed energy. I better get going. Murray doesn’t like to be kept waiting

 

SR - Do you think you will go in the sea?

Jan - If Murray is with me, I don’t think I will have a choice What better way to start MY new year? I will be taking a hot water bottle with me just in case! Bye Sylvia-Rose. Great to chat but I better run.

 

SR - You had better. See you soon. And Happy Birthday again, have a great one.

Jan - Thank you