57. Feeling sick and sad, at the same time as fulfilled and happy

Jan - Thanks. I am very happy to do that. I feel strange at the moment. I haven’t felt like this before. The job is going great. It is more than a job to me, it is a place I can see the path of my future unfolding. A place for my professional future to happen.

 

SR - That sounds great. A purpose to get up to in the mornings. What makes you feel strange? I know you are approaching Murray’s anniversary and that can’t be easy.

Jan - That is never easy. In fact my private life isn’t easy. That is what feels strange. Whereas before, the loss and sadness ran through every minute, there are now times I feel fulfilled and happy. Yet inside, I often feel sick at the same time as feeling happy! That is a strange feeling.

 

SR - I am not sure I can guide you on that.

Jan - No. I have read many books and they offer great ideas and advice but I haven’t read about this. It is a sensation in my body. I am a believer that the body reacts to thought, so perhaps my body is responding to the deep, unconscious thoughts of Murray not being here. Perhaps even the tragic, heartbreaking memories that I do my best to avoid are showing up there without me knowing.

 

SR - Perhaps. Subconscious thinking comes from conscious thinking in time, is there anything you can do to consciously think things differently?

Jan - That is a tough one because consciously I ache to see and hear Murray again, even though consciously I know I never will. That brings me to another problem. I also know that the visual part of our brain, one of its jobs is to envision the future to create a safe path for us to travel. We can manipulate this through our imagination but my brain still doesn’t create a vision of a future without Murray. My imagination gets stuck. I can create a future for the work I am doing and I see that unfolding. It is a beautiful thing.

 

SR - Maybe just let your personal life unfold naturally.

Jan - I don’t mean I am forcing a picture through my imagination. Imagination that manifests comes from an initial desire and belief, a trust of its unfolding. I don’t see a

Desire of a life without Murray. I can’t see what that looks like so that it manifests. I am not sure I am making sense.

 

SR - I think you are. You mean that because Murray isn’t physically around you can’t imagine what your life looks like without him.

Jan - Exactly. I can’t see it and without my visual brain seeing it, I feel I will always be somehow, wishing I could change things and hoping the future will bring him back. This is crazy because I know it won’t.

 

SR - Then the question is, how can you bring him into your future? What is his place?

Jan - That is the bit my brain refuses to see. I am going to take some time out to spend time with my brain and see if we can envision something. It feels uncomfortable moving forward without him. I do my best. But that doesn’t mean it feels great. So for now, I guess it is happy outside and a sick feeling inside.

 

SR - Maybe it is more noticeable now.

Jan - Maybe it is. I hear the tennis on the radio and people getting excited about it. It makes me sad. This time three years ago we were all watching it and getting excited for the final. The final marks Murray’s final. Hey ho, Sylvia-Rose. I am glad I made it out here. Nice to chat. I guess this is the weather of the heart.

 

SR - That is a beautiful way to put it. The weather always changes. Sometimes warm and wonderful and sometimes cold and grey, then occasionally very stormy. You hold on to that and keep living through all the weather.

Jan - I will. I promise. I will allow an answer to this strange feeling to find its way to me and help me feel at ease with creating my future.

 

SR - You deserve a beautiful life in the future. You have a beautiful life now. Nurture it.

Jan - I will. In fact, I will do more than that. I will treasure it. Murray will be the treasure of my heart instead of the sadness.

 

SR - I have a feeling he would much prefer that!!!

Jan - I knew we would get there if we chatted long enough. You are awesome!

 

SR - No. YOU are awesome

Jan - And you are funny. I better go. See you soon.

 

SR - Always here for you.

Jan - Yeah, don’t go away!

 

SR - I will try not to. Come and see me again soon.